In light of Todd Akin’s brave stand against pregnant rape victims and his conservapedic knowledge of the human anatomy, I thought I’d take some time to let everyone, stateside or otherwise, in on some lesser known facts about the distinguished Congressman myself.
Todd Akins: The Congressman who wears his heart on his sleeve and a foot in his mouth
#1- Previously best known for his comments in 2011 regarding the heart of liberalism being an apparent ‘hatred for God and a belief that the government replace God’. Akin has since apologized for those remarks, blaming his lack of knowledge on what the words ‘liberalism’, ‘government’ or ‘that’ actually mean.
#2- The amount of pompous windpower generated from one Todd Akin-uttered sentence is enough to power up to two concurrently-running electric chairs, fifteen crisis pregnancy centers or over fifty Alienware laptops streaming episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger a day.
#3- To this day, Todd Akin remains the only specimen of mammalian life shown to possess, not one, but two separate and fully functioning sphincters, conveniently located at the head and tail of Todd Akin.
#4 – Serving on the Committee on Science, Space and Technology, Todd Akin has worked breathlessly on finding a good mnemonic device to remember his membership on the Committee on Science, Space and Technology. Results are encouraging but as yet unfruitful.
#5- When not making hilariously offensive statements on the legitimacy of rape, Akin likes to unwind with episodes of Teen Mom, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, and Moesha.
#6- According to an urban legend, whispering Todd Akin’s name in front of a mirror three times to yourself in the dark will summon forth Paul Ryan with an immediate cease and desist order to the nearest uterus in the vicinity.
#7- Todd Akin’s preferred preventative sex method?
Of course, while I can’t confirm the veracity of all these facts, I can tell you that they’re every bit as worthwhile as any noun, vowel or adverb that has ever landed remotely near the double-sphinctered politician from Missouri, our beloved Todd Akin. What a hero.