On Being the ‘Nice Atheist’ in The Room
Today I was interviewed by a Christian. Not your average oh-I-just-found-out-you’re-non-religious-and-now-I’m-obligated-to-ask-you-everything-and-probably-drag-out-the-cosmological-argument, but a…well, researcher would be an accurate term. He’s looking to create some sort of instruction for churches as to how they’re doing it wrong when it comes to talking to (read: converting) atheists. In the process of contacting students in atheists groups, he ran across our old president’s email, who then passed it onto me. A week later, we were sitting on opposite ends of a skype connection.
The conversation wasn’t anything particularly shocking or unexpected. I recounted my upbringing and experience with Catholicism, my “non-religious time but spiritual” time, and then coming out as an atheist. We wandered into discussing the ‘Four Horsemen’, blogs, the need for on-campus secular groups, sort of the standard conversational topics for religious wanting to know about us heathens.
About an hour in, the researcher offerred what he described as “maybe sounding a touch backhanded, but sincere” compliment: I was one, if perhaps the only, nice atheist he had met in his interactions with university atheists.
He was right…it was backhanded.
I’m very very non-confrontational in conversation. I find interacting with strangers to be pleasant, but incredibly draining, and adding in arguments, which no matter the topic, leave me a bit tearful, is unappealing.
So no, I wasn’t telling him that I thought his religion, and the propagation thereof, is responsible for harm to children and the world at large, though I believe it. My reticence to shout and debate (I avoid religious debates at almost any cost) doesn’t make me somehow a better atheist. It makes a different kind of communicator, who would prefer to engage with the opposition in a way that doesn’t leave me shaky and stressed. So I’m not a firebrand? That doesn’t make me more worth a conversation.
The only nice atheist is a vaguely intimidated atheist? Oh, dear.
I had a guy tell me I was the only atheist he’d ever met, and that he was surprised that I was nice. He probably knows a lot of atheists, including nice ones, but it just never came up because they didn’t want to respond to all the Jesus-y stuff he constantly said. Are we supposed to breathe fire or something?
“My reticence to shout and debate (I avoid religious debates at almost any cost) doesn’t make me somehow a better atheist. It makes a different kind of communicator, who would prefer to engage with the opposition in a way that doesn’t leave me shaky and stressed.”
Yes, this. Sometimes among feminists and atheists, there’s this attitude of “oh, I’m better than THOSE feminists/atheists,” the ones who get angry. That bothers me. I’m not the type to confront people, either, but that doesn’t mean that I (and others) don’t have anything to be angry about.
Enjoyed your comments today. Isn’t it interesting how people connect with others – based on what you believe or how you appear!! It saddens me that there is such controversy and discomfort about the subject of religion or spirituality or for that matter science. The world is in such desperate need for tolerance and understanding and if you are looking for connections with whom you can pursue meaningful dialog you need to be open to all views and focus on a search for the wisdom within any one point-of-view. I hate using labels to identify people but when asked to use one my current favorite is ‘Intentional Evolutionary’. That comes specifically from the writings of John Stewart in his book “Evolution’s Arrow”. I have spent the last 12 years researching the works of scholars from many realms of understanding and today find myself talking, and presenting, to others the need for a New Story as originally discussed extensively in the writings of Thomas Berry. There are many scholars focusing on this theme in the last decade – all searching for a NEW global understanding and way of connecting. As Brian Swimme comments in his writings – “…we need only wander about telling this new story to ignite a transformation of humanity…”. I guess that makes me a ‘wanderer’ in addition to an ‘Intentional Evolutionary’.!!
To be fair, I’m intimidated by talking to strangers in any context, and the researcher was particularly kind. But yes, I don’t engage in arguments for that reason–I find them to be intimidating and universally bad feeling.
Augh, was trying to post this to Stephanie
I’m one of those types who does thrive on (civil, nuanced, appropriate) confrontation, while recognising not everyone is or has to be. For me, a conspicuous absence of argument where one is needed is the thing to dread.